David'Z RantZ -- Child of the Cathode Ray Tube!
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January 20, 2005 - 9:36 p.m.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That, Redux

In case you haven't heard, ultra-right-wing Christian gay-bashers have a brand new target. This time it's a rather prominent celebrity, one who (*shudder*) is popular with... (*shudder* once more)... children! Who! Can! It! Be?!?

Here's a big hint: He lives in a pineapple under the sea...

That's right! The latest celebrity pushing the "gay agenda" is none other than SpongeBob SquarePants!

Thankfully, I can't take credit -- Nor would I! -- for that particular revelation. No, this bombshell comes to us courtesy of (primarily and secondarily, respectively) the American Family Association (founded by the infamous Rev. Donald Wildmon) and Focus on the Family (founded by Dr. James C. Dobson), two of those ultra-right-wing Christian associations that believe that the answer to "What Would Jesus Do?" is a Toho Films-inspired "Destroy All Monsters!"

Briefly (and you can do an internet news search if you need more detail), the situation is this: SpongeBob (who has been seen -- horror of horrors! -- holding hands with his "friend" Patrick on numerous occasions, wink-wink, nudge-nudge) has appeared in a music video,along withother children's TV icons such as Barney the dinosaur, Jimmy Neutron,and Bob the Builder. (And by the way, there is no truth to the rumor that Bob the Builder was once one of the Village People. None whatsoever. How do these things get started? *ahem*) This video, released by the We Are Family Foundation, recycles the old Sister Sledge song "We Are Family" and is meant to foster values among children such as cooperation, unity, and multiculturalism. (Subversive bastards!) Or such is the claim by Nile Rodgers, writer of "We Are Family" and the founder of the WAFF. The Christian groups, however, are claiming instead that the video is pro-gay propaganda, "an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids" into (*gasp*) tolerating differences of sexual identity! Or so says Focus on the Family spokesman Paul Batura.

A spokesman for the WAFF said that anyone who believes the latter interpretation "needs to visit their doctor and get theirmedication increased." Ha! You go, girl!

(Umm... I mean... )

Ah, shades of Tinky Winky...Remember the hoopla a few years ago about the allegedly-gay Teletubby?

It's times like this that I want to update the old Anita Bryant joke from the 1970s: When these right-wingers' children lose teeth, who -- if anyone -- leaves money under their pillows?

Think about it. I'll wait.

And I can remember evenfurther back, almost twenty years, when some Christian group claimed that the theme song from the TV show "Mister Ed" (which in turn had been off the air since approximately twenty years earlier) contained Satanic messages, audible when the theme song in question was played backwards! I had to wonder, what possessed them (Pardon the expression!) to even listen tothat song backwards?

You know, I'm really getting tired of being put in a position where, whenever I identify myself as a Christian, I have to quickly add, "but not one of those ***holes!"

Personally, I've always subscribed to the "nature versus nurture" explanation where homosexuality is concerned. You can't "turn" someone gay by using propaganda, any more than you can change someone'shair color, eye color, or skin color.

Okay, in a world of hair dye, colored contacts, and... uhh... Michael Jackson?... maybe that's not the best analogy.

But I onlymeant that there are certain things that one is born with, and I agree with those who think that if you're homosexual, heterosexual, or even bisexual, it's in your genetic make-up. [Insert Revlon or Max Factor joke here... ] Your being heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexualis only becauseyou carry a certain gene that determines your sexual orientation. (I prefer the term "sexual orientation" to "sexual preference," by the way. It seems to me that only bisexuals can truly have a sexual preference. "I'm bisexual, but I prefer men to women," ya know? Think about it.)

Hmmm...

*whisper* Hey, all you right-wingers! To edit and repeat what I just wrote, "Your being... homosexual... is only becauseyou carry a certain gene that determines your sexual orientation." In the case of homosexuality, said gene would by necessity be what they call a recessive gene, otherwise the human race itself would havedied out long ago. "Pure" homosexuals wouldn't be able to reproduce with members of their own sex, right? So here's an idea! If you can keep your self-righteous homophobia to yourselves for as long as possible, maybe gayscould be lulled into a false sense of security. That way, they won't feel so pressured to live in denial, a statewhich often causes them toenter into heterosexual relationships, so asto "prove" they're not who they really are. We all know that many gays have had children during these "false" marriages, right? Children that they otherwise wouldn't have had? Children who will carry that recessive "gay gene?"

That's what you need to do. Leave the gays alone. Let them stay with their own kind. No mingling with the heteros, at least not sexually. No more children passing the gay gene along. And eventually, all the gays will be gone, just as you wish. Gone! It's perfect!

And it'll only take a few generations, maybe a few hundred years or so, or maybe until the next Millennium (the year 3000, or 3001, depending on which side of that particular bit of nit-picking to which you subscribe).

What's that you say? Ohhhhhhhh, you want them all to go away now?

Well, good luck, rectum-heads!

(Oh, one last thing: That music you may hear the American Family Association playing faintly in the background is not "We Are Family," of course. No, indeedy! It's a song by the old rock group, Styx. It's called "Too Much Time on My Hands." Seems to be their theme song.)

And thanks for your time.


All entries copyright David M. Lynch, except where it's blatantly obvious that they aren't. And I don't care if this is the internet; don't f**k with me! And by the way, any e-mails I receive may be quoted from -- in whole or in part -- on my RantZ page (or elsewhere) without the permission of the author(s), unless you specifically state that you do not want me to do so somewhere in the body of the e-mail in question! S'awright? S'awright!

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