One Man'Z OpinionZ... or AvocationZ

October 7, 2003 - 12:19 a.m.

Not That There's Anything WRONG With That...

As my DiaryLand entries begin to accumulate, I've begun telling my friends about this site. This has resulted in more than one set of raised eyebrows, and at first, I couldn't understand why. The reason why finally occurred to me, when one of these people-with-raised-eyebrows followed up with a verbal query, namely, "A diary? Isn't that something that... well.... that girls keep?"

Oh.

That again.

Every so often, over the years, I have encountered people who either assume that I am gay, wonder if I'm gay, or (and these are the only people who actually offend me, and that's only by their attitude) accuse me of being gay. I'm not gay (he said, quickly adding, "not that there's anything wrong with that!").

A friend of mine used to work in a gay night club, and I went there to visit her on several occasions. I was certainly not the only "straight" to ever go there, but most of the regulars were gay or lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with that... ), and no one there ever questioned my sexual orientation. And by that, I'm not suggesting that they all assumed I was "one of them." Quite the opposite. It's like they just knew that I was heterosexual. (Maybe their so-called "gaydar" told them.) No one ever hit on me, either, and I'd certainly like to believe that that was because they knew I wouldn't be interested, although it could also imply that I just wasn't attractive to anyone there. (And if you think that's not an unpleasant thought for me, irregardless of the fact that I wouldn't have responded to any overtures anyway... Well, you know nothing about the fragility of my ego!)

Those who know me -- and my personal dating history -- find the thought of my being gay (not that there's anything wrong with that... ) to be quite amusing. Why? Well, suffice it to say that I'm a heterosexual Scorpio, or as my (platonic) friend Laura once asked, "Don't you ever turn it off?"

As for those "others" mentioned above, their assumptions, questions, or accusations evidently originate because, in some instances, I conform to various people's stereotypes of "what gays are" -- and "what they do," and "where you find them" (like there's some "natural habitat" in "the wild," as it were), etc. -- in one way or another.

Let's see... In no particular order...

1) Admittedly, my LP collection does have a smattering of soundtrack albums, mostly (he said defensively) from motion pictures, but some, I must confess, contain (horrors!) Broadway show tunes.

2) When in a crowd, I am often somewhat soft-spoken, if only so people outside of my own group can't hear me. (I am somewhat offended by those individuals who think that their attitudes or viewpoints are so important that they purposely raise their voices in public so everyone within a twenty-foot radius -- or thereabouts -- can hear how wonderful/intelligent/assertive/important/well-informed they are.)

3) Amazingly, I am able to converse with an attractive woman without being compelled to touch her, even if the woman is a stripper, or a waitress in a strip club.

4) I worked as a waiter for over five years.

5) I also worked in a bakery for a supermarket chain.

Numbers four and five really do matter to some people, for reasons unknown to me.

6) My female friends -- and I have several -- have often remarked that I am "in touch with [my] feminine side." To a woman, this is a compliment. To a man, this suggests "He's gay." To a homophobic male, this fairly screams "fag."

Seven and eight are "biggies," delivering a one-two punch, as it were.

7) When I watch TV at all, which I do mainly at work during the day, I follow soap operas. (ABC is my network of choice, if you're wondering.) Why? Characterization, mainly. When I do my own writing, dialogue and characterization are quite important to me. It only follows that I'd gravitate toward creative works which show the same concern. (Of course, another advantage is that, as I mentioned, I have them playing while I work. Their storylines unfold in the background as I deal with customers, so it helps that they have a slow'n'steady plot format to which I don't have to pay close attention!)

7A) I also watch "Gilmore Girls." That show contains extremely clever dialogue, even if most of the characters spew pop culture (and other) references far beyond the scope of what their knowledge and interests would be if these characters actually existed in the real world. It's kind of like what might happen if the writers of MST3K sat down with Dennis Miller to concoct a nighttime soap.

8) In counterpoint to number 7 (and 7A), I do not follow -- nor am I much interested in -- sports. There are exceptions: I'm a fair-weather Red Sox fan; the closer they get to the World Series, the more likely I am to watch their games. I also will watch the summer and winter Olympics on occasion. In my high school years, I regularly viewed the antics of the Eastern Warriors, a Philadelphia-based Roller Games team. I also watched Muhammad Ali's fights back in the days when they were televised on network TV.

I should probably add this: Personally, I think that you can tell that an adult male is gay (not that there's anything wrong with that... ) if he is not a mental health professional, yet uses the word "sibling" with any regularity.

Seriously, I'm not sure what it is about some of the above stereotypes that says "gay" to certain people. (Especially the "waiter" & "baker" ones. What is it, some sort of a food service thing?) Then again, how much sense lies behind stereotyping in general?

But now, I guess, I have to add a number 9: I keep an online diary. I suppose I'd raise fewer eyebrows (if I may resort to that image once again) by calling it a "weblog," (which certainly seems to be something "everyone" has in this day & age), but on a site which is actually called "Diaryland," whom would I be fooling?

A couple of times in my early adolescence, I attempted keeping a diary. I even went so far as to procure the locking type, to protect my all-important privacy. In short order, however, I discovered that not only did I have nothing going on in my life which was worth keeping under lock & key, but that my life in general was pretty boring. Both times, I eventually caught myself adding totally fictitious details to my entries, trying to spice things up a bit. Some of my earliest attempts at creative writing, I suppose. To this day, when I write fiction, my main character -- or sometimes more than one of my main characters -- is fairly autobiographical.

When I tried keeping diaries as a youth, I didn't call them "diaires." Inspired by no less prestigious a source as the novel Dracula, I, like Jonathan Harker before me, kept a "journal." Keeping a journal was a manly-man kinda thing, even for the ten-year-old boy that I was. Now I that I think of it, 'though... Jonathan's betrothed, Mina Murray, also kept a journal. However, Dr. Seward kept a diary. So, was Dr. Seward gay (not that there's anything wrong with that... )? And what would that make journal-keeping Mina? Butch? Hmm. I am so confused.

And if I may digress once more (as if you could stop me), terminology ("diary" vs. "journal," and the like) is so important. Always has been, long before the phrase "positive spin" entered our collective vocabularies.

Starting at the tender age of ten or eleven, I began watching the supernatural soap opera, "Dark Shadows." However, woe betide anyone who actually referred to "my" show as a soap! Even then, I knew soaps were for girls. My mother watched soaps! I admitted to watching a "serial," defensively pointing to the listings in TV Guide to confirm that "D.S." was, indeed, just that.

Two or three years earlier, G.I. Joe had progressed from being a "doll for boys" to an "action figure." Much better.

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, the only people whose questions offend me are those who ask with an implicit or explicit accusation, because they're saying that something's "wrong" with being gay. Of course, I don't think that there is, any more than it would be "wrong" for me to be Catholic (I'm not), Polish (I'm not), red-haired (I'm not), etc.

Almost twenty years ago, at the same time as I was employed as a waiter, I was hanging out in a bar I then frequented. One of the customers from the restaurant I worked at came in, and bought a bottle of Budweiser. Then he saw me. He walked over to me, rather unsteadily. (It seemed obvious that this particular bar was not the first one he'd patronized this evening.)

"Can I ask you something?" he said.

"Sure, go ahead," I replied.

"Are you gay?" I wasn't sure from his tone of voice if he was just being curious, or if he was one of those "accusing" types who had said "gay," but might as well have said "queer" or "fag" instead.

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and just answer the question. "No," I said.

His poorly-focused eyes narrowed slightly. "Are you bi?"

"No."

"Are you an animal?"

Now what the hell does that mean? I wondered. So I tentatively replied, "I guess that depends on what you mean by that."

He extended his arm toward me, holding the freshly-opened Bud in his hand. "Chug this!" he challenged.

Mmm. Free beer, thought I (the line works better if you give it a Homer Simpson-ish reading, although Homer wasn't around then), taking the frosty offering from him. Bringing the long-necked bar bottle to my lips (the Freudian imagery here is as unavoidable as it is ironic), I tilted my head back slightly, lifted the bottle high, and drained it in a few consecutive swallows.

Inwardly amused by this odd ritual, and curious as to what I'd "proven," if anything, I returned the empty bottle to him. "Thanks!"

Fist in the air, he shouted, "Awright, he's an animal!" And off he went.

So, what have you learned, Dorothy? I suppose this "proves" that... ummm... gay people can't drink beer? Or at least, not that quickly? Ummm...

As I stated above: I am so confused.

Thanks for your time.

All entries copyright � David M. Lynch, except where it's blatantly obvious that they aren't. And I don't care if this is the internet; don't f**k with me! And by the way, any e-mails I receive may be quoted from -- in whole or in part -- on my RantZ page (or elsewhere) without the permission of the author(s), unless you specifically state that you do not want me to do so somewhere in the body of the e-mail in question! S'awright? S'awright!

previous - next